


Whats more fun than _____?

by DeathOfDarkHearts



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cards Against Muggles, Crack, Healer Hermione Granger, Innuendo, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23171749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathOfDarkHearts/pseuds/DeathOfDarkHearts
Summary: Black Card: Whats more fun than _____?White Card: going to St Mungo's to have your wand removed from an orifice it should not be inside
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	Whats more fun than _____?

**Author's Note:**

> Written For Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest
> 
> I own nothing

Hermione groaned as she slumped back into the office chair behind the mediwitch station, wheels screeching slightly on the scuffed linoleum.  
It had been a long day and she was barely 8 hours into a 12-hour shift.

Being qualified as both a muggle nurse and a mediwitch meant Hermione was provided a lot of additional jobs a normal mediwitch wouldn't get.  
She got the cases where magic needed to be used with caution or not at all lest things are made worse. This usually meant the removal of magical items from places they really shouldn't be.

So far that shift she had removed small toys from the noses of three young children, a kitchen knife enchanted to continually chop from the thigh of timid kitchen hand, a pea plant growing in one wizard's left lung, a large hairball from the stomach of a feline animagus, shattered cauldron parts caused by potion mishaps, a broom handle from one Quidditch players ill-fated keister and a strongly adhered vibrating love egg from one hapless witch who's muggle-born husband wanted to spice up their sex life with some muggle toys and a sticking charm.

To say work was never dull was an understatement.  
The best thing she had removed from a human body so far was her godson from Ginny's womb.  
Still smiling at the thought of the dark-haired now 2-year-old toddler, Hermione rose to accept a file from an approaching mediwitch.

"Another OSP?" she queried.  
"Circe, I love it when you get 'Objects in Stupid Places', it never ceases to amaze me what folks willingly stick in the bodies." Heather giggled quietly. "They're in bay 5."  
"What is it this time?"  
"He wouldn't say," frowned Heather.  
"My galleon's on something up his arse," bet Hermione with a sly grin.  
"You're always right," the mediwitch replied with a smirk.

Hermione chuckled as she walked down the corridor to find bay 5. She opened the folder to browse over the contents as she knocked on the door frame, brow quirking at the phrase about losing the 'sparkle stick up the dirt back road'. 

"Good afternoon, my name is Healer Granger. What has brought you in today, Mr..." Hermione broke off as she finally looked up.  
"Not very bloody good if you ask me," Draco Malfoy grouched, looking the very epitome of a pouting child.  
A delicate snort drew her gaze to Theo Nott in the corner of the exam room, shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

"Draco, are you ok? What happened?" Hermione panicked slightly. She always did when it was people she cared for deeply, even though she would never outwardly show it except to those who she was closest to.  
"Oh, love," Theo burst out before Draco could get a sulky word in, "You're going to love this!"  
Hermione moved to stand in front of Draco, hands resting lightly on his crossed arms, posture ridged, "What happened, Draco. I can't help if you don't tell me, love."  
" _Surely this is a conflict of interest_ ," he muttered under his breath.  
"We were... fooling around at home," Draco continued. "We got bored waiting for you to finish your shift so we got a tad pissed and well, you know how horny Theo gets when he's plastered."

Hermione chuckled at this, waving a hand at him to continue. She would get them back later for starting the fun without her.  
"We'd, uh, stripped off in a bit of a hurry, clothes everywhere, things got a touch scattered." Draco glanced up nervously, swallowing hard. "We moved to the couch for a bit of -"

"Arse ramming," Theo interrupted. "Sodomy, butt darts, carling, reaming, buttslam, cornhole, bareback -"  
"She gets it, Theo!" Draco snapped.  
"Buttseck."

"Right, well," Hermione responded, trying hard to not roll her eyes or giggle. She was a professional after all. "Then what happened, Draco?"  
"Theo... Theo pushed me back and my... my, uh." he trailed off, cheeks tinted bright pink.  
Theo couldn't hold himself back any longer, he guffed out a loud laugh. "He lost his tadger up the tradesman's entrance. His wimblestick in the council gritter. Got his snitchery stuck in his bahookie. Poked his kukk up his trumper," he wheezed, face red, tears tracking down his face at this point. "Lost his chopper deep in his man pussy," Theo howled with laughter.

"I fell on my wand and it went right up my arse."

Hermione couldn't help a small laugh escape. "Oh Draco, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to laugh. Just ignore that bellwhiff," she cast a glare over her shoulder at the aforementioned cocknoggin.  
"Mate, just don't cast _Scourgify_ , you'll be shitting bubbles for a week!" Theo sniggered back.  
"Out," ordered Hermione. "Or you'll be playing nurse when he gets back home me, not me." Theo couldn't move quick enough for his own liking.

\---------------

Two hours and quite a few more innuendos later, Theo was finally allowed to take Draco home.  
Hermione helped escort the men back towards the public Floo connections, arm looped through the crook of Draco's elbow.  
She leaned close to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek before standing up on tiptoes to whisper in his ear; "At least now you can tell people you have officially had the stick removed from up your arse next time someone calls you an uptight twat."  
"Speaking of twats. What's more fun than going to St Mungo's to have your wand removed from an orifice it should not be inside?" Theo injected into the dialogue.  
"I don't know," replied Hermione with smirk pulling at her lips. "How about you bring your 'sparkle stick' and you can show me when we get home."


End file.
